you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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