The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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