I want to make a zoo with you.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Still dying that you shit outside
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
