And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
