turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
