3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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