just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
