my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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