They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
