I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
