Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
