maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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