don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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