I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Of course I have a pirate flag
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
