I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When are your genitals available?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
