You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
