Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
