Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love accidental penises.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
