$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
