Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
