she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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