I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
