Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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