she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
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Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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