MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
