He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
