thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
