and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
