You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
