sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
