Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
