I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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