Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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