Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
