I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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