My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
