my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
