hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
