What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
