So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
