But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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