Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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