I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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