Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
