life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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