I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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