I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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