I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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