In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
