How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
