running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
