Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
