So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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