Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
