How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
