The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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