Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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