it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
