is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
